Our Story – Lisa and Lily – a Story of Fear Turned into Love, Hope and Acceptance
Completed November 5, 2005
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
It was February 2004, I was 38 and I thought I had it all... I had a great job, a steady boyfriend and a great son. I was just going on and on to my friend about how I would be so young when Dustin were to leave the nest. I was excited to at least dream of traveling or doing whatever it is I thought I might do if I were all alone at 42 or 43. But, soon after that conversation I learned that my company could hang on no more and they laid me off of the job I had for almost 9 years. It was not long after that - February 21st to be exact -- that my boyfriend broke up with me... Everything in my life as I knew it would never be the same, only I did not realize to what extent my life would take such a dramatic turn – it just all started with everything ending… I actually handled all of the endings fairly well – they were two things in my life that needed to end. Really I wasn’t that thrilled about my job and I was real close to ending things with my boyfriend – he just did me a really big favor. I always held onto the saying "When one door closes, another one opens" – I believe that I was ready for that new door to open – I just would have never guessed in a lifetime where that door would take me…
I went on no problem, but as the days went on - I grew increasingly tired... I was so tired that I started taking naps - and I have never been a nap person.... I remember thinking I felt like I had been drugged and had told my girlfriend about it. She asked me are you sure you are not pregnant? I was like "What??? Oh God no!" Nope no way! Anyway’s as the days went on – I all of the sudden realized that I was late. I thought no I must be wrong, yet I checked the calendar and sure enough I was 9 days late. That was completely unusual for me. And my girlfriend said when I told her this that wasn’t I going to take a pregnancy test? Of course I was not – I was not pregnant! But, a day or so went by and I thought maybe I should take one just in case…. So, I told no one, but just went and bought it and did it. I watched the clock closely and as I realized it was soon enough to check, I kept waiting, I think somewhere inside me I knew I was pregnant. Finally, I decided to peek and yep sure enough – that thin pink line was as bright as day itself. I was in shock to say the least – so many things going through my head! Finally, I told my girlfriend who lives downstairs and she was like OH MY and I was like "oh yeah!". I was excited, nervous and still feeling like I must be dreaming at the same time! I had always wanted more children – I thought I was going to have at least 4, but it never worked out. This was truly something that I would have never dreamed of in a million years! But, I was happy and scared! I finally told my sister later in the day – I went over and told her. She was in shock, but so happy as well despite my circumstances. So, it went from that day forward – I was having a baby! I had lots of people think I was crazy for continuing this pregnancy. A pregancy that was unexpected, unplanned and the father of the baby had just left. Not to mention the fact that I was out of work, Dustin was going to be 17 that year, I was going to 39 that year and I was just bragging how I was almost done (meaning Dustin leaving the nest) and going to be young enough to travel and do anything I wanted! Funny how the roads of life sometimes have their own agenda!
I decided that I could probably just live on my unemployment and my 401K that I cashed in and then go back to work after the baby was born. I was excited! I called my ex to let him know – I wanted him to come over so I could tell him face to face, yet he wanted to know over the phone what I had to see him about. I told him I was pregnant. He was in shock and told me he needed time to adjust and he would call me back. A week passed and no call, so I called and left him a voice mail and just said that I was having the baby and the baby was due around Nov 13. He called back and basically accused me of lying about being pregnant and I must just be trying to extort money from him, I hung up and did not call him again. He called one more time in April after some of my friends saw him and chewed him out, but again another promise to meet and discuss things and then again no calls. I decided I would not stress myself out any further and just kept my distance from him.
I saw my doctor and they scheduled an u/s around week 11. It was great to see my baby on screen! When I was pregnant with Dustin, they did not do any u/s on me because I was having no problems. But, my u/s looked great and they gave me a due date of November 11. The midwife right away was going to hook me up with genetic counselors and I was like "no" did not plan on having any testing – I was having this baby no matter what God gave me – I was already so blessed to be having the baby! Next visit, I saw my regular Gynocologist and she asked me about it and I just told her, I did not think I needed any testing because I was having my baby no matter what. Then I asked her what she would do. She said she would at least have the quad testing done and if that showed anything then go on to do an amniocentisis. Well, that made sense to me, so I proceeded, because of course, there was nothing wrong with my baby anyway. I really believed that there would be no problems. I remember it had been a week since I had the bloodwork and I felt good about it because I knew that doctor’s don’t call right away when there is good news! But, 10 days later I received the call from the Midwife. She said we just got back the results of your quad test and it came back as 1:10 for Down syndrome. I was like "What?" – and she said that they were going to schedule me an appointment with the high risk doctors so that I could have a level II u/s and an amniocentisis if I so wanted and also to speak with the genetic counselor. I was in tears and she kept telling me she was sorry to call me with the news. And I asked her – So, if the u/s looks good then I don’t have the amniocentisis? And she just told me that she has had patients who had a great level II, but the baby still had Down syndrome. She explained that this was just a diagnostic test and that the only way to know for sure would be to have the amniocentisis. I just cried and cried! I did not want to tell anyone, but I was so sad at the thought of my baby possibly having Down syndrome. Finally, I told my sister and my girlfriend… My sister was sure that it was all going to be fine even though she did agree that 1:10 sounded not so good. But, everyone was sure all would be well. I remember that it was the weekend of my Nephew’s Baptism – there were all these people with little babies and I kept thinking why should they have normal babies and not I??? I had to keep wiping the tears from my eyes – hoping no one would notice.
I belonged to the Baby Center site and found lots of stories of "False Positives" on the quad test and I was feeling more and more relieved! There were actually lots of people whose amnio turned out fine even with 1:10 risk like I had. I did lots of research and the more I did the better I felt that mine would be fine as well. But, in addition to researching lots of information on the Prenatal Testing sites – I also went to the Down syndrome board and did lots of research there. I remember thinking how beautiful everyone’s family was and I looked at lots of family websites and cried…. I cried over the incredible love that these people had for their children and also cried for myself and my baby. Although all of these children were absolutely beautiful – surely my baby would not have Down syndrome. I felt sorry for my baby most of all – I felt sorry that my baby might have Down syndrome – I did not want my baby to have Down syndrome – I prayed and prayed to God all the time to please not let my baby have Down syndrome…
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
